Standards

I have really high ones. Standards. Should I? Should I not? Do I have a right to? Does it matter?

I have had two long-term relationships in my life. Two relationships with pretty epically fabulous (and tragically attractive - to me, at least) men. Men? Boys? Guys? Males. I am not sure how I was so lucky as to obtain either of them. Even my shortest relationship of 2 months was with someone amazing. I ran the gamut from acting needy, acting childish and acting jealous, to just being downright crazy.

In both cases, they stood by me, loved my eccentricities, and remained epically fabulous. Tragic endings aside, I was really very lucky.

I try not to focus on the past, unless it lends assistance to the future, or involves a sexual fantasy of some sort. But I wonder: was that it? Did I get my chances and ruin them? Did I allow myself to get spoiled and lose some amazing guys?

Blah, blah, blah, someone else will come along, of course. They keep coming along, but they aren't as good. I can't find that spark that makes me terrified to lose someone. I can't even find that spark that makes me want to kiss someone. It's hard to be desperate without actually being desperate.

To wander back to the subject, my standards are high. For a total of 5 1/2 years (both relationships combined), I had amazing. I had amazing, attractive, passionate, caring, loving, patient, successful, smart, and fun. Pardon my vanity, but I am not prepared to settle for anything less. I am eager to find a partner, but not so eager that I will settle just to have someone. I know within minutes if the guy will get a second date. Even another phone call. Another text.

And, obviously, the caveat is that I know that I'm not perfect. I've supplied my laundry list of relationship issues. But I've found great people who love me, despite my flaws. So, I know it's possible. I can be fairly sure that someone is out there who I can forge a life with. Whether I've already met them or not.

Cause I will not accept any less
Than someone just as real as fabulous
-Lady Gaga, Paper Gangsta