Standards

I have really high ones. Standards. Should I? Should I not? Do I have a right to? Does it matter?

I have had two long-term relationships in my life. Two relationships with pretty epically fabulous (and tragically attractive - to me, at least) men. Men? Boys? Guys? Males. I am not sure how I was so lucky as to obtain either of them. Even my shortest relationship of 2 months was with someone amazing. I ran the gamut from acting needy, acting childish and acting jealous, to just being downright crazy.

In both cases, they stood by me, loved my eccentricities, and remained epically fabulous. Tragic endings aside, I was really very lucky.

I try not to focus on the past, unless it lends assistance to the future, or involves a sexual fantasy of some sort. But I wonder: was that it? Did I get my chances and ruin them? Did I allow myself to get spoiled and lose some amazing guys?

Blah, blah, blah, someone else will come along, of course. They keep coming along, but they aren't as good. I can't find that spark that makes me terrified to lose someone. I can't even find that spark that makes me want to kiss someone. It's hard to be desperate without actually being desperate.

To wander back to the subject, my standards are high. For a total of 5 1/2 years (both relationships combined), I had amazing. I had amazing, attractive, passionate, caring, loving, patient, successful, smart, and fun. Pardon my vanity, but I am not prepared to settle for anything less. I am eager to find a partner, but not so eager that I will settle just to have someone. I know within minutes if the guy will get a second date. Even another phone call. Another text.

And, obviously, the caveat is that I know that I'm not perfect. I've supplied my laundry list of relationship issues. But I've found great people who love me, despite my flaws. So, I know it's possible. I can be fairly sure that someone is out there who I can forge a life with. Whether I've already met them or not.

Cause I will not accept any less
Than someone just as real as fabulous
-Lady Gaga, Paper Gangsta

Now more than ever it comes back in waves; in dreams, in smells, in colors. In the way a stranger moves their hand or holds a pen.

I fight my brain to remember it's nothing, it's nothing, it's nothing.

The old songs, they make my mind draw blanks. Turn thoughts to nothing. Make my heart drop and my skin tingle. The words and notes have more meaning than they really have.

The little things - the games, the foods, the jokes, the books - they will always be you. You always have me captured; you don't know and you don't care.

The smell of you comes through on the train, in the street, floods my senses and makes me shiver. Remember the feeling of your hands on my arm, on my waist, on my leg. Remember the closed eyes and the shudder of your lips on my chest. Remember your voice in the quiet; your body in the dark. Close my eyes and remember. For a split second - I can't breathe.

Your body, your clothes, your hair come through in strangers, and you're not there. I know there's no way. I know You're not there. You're not there and I'm still not breathing quite right.